I grew up with a dad that preached GA, which stands for Good Attitude. From the time I could walk, I heard the necessity of an attitude that saw life through a positive lens. The number of times that I was reminded to change my outlook, mood or word choice equates to a very large figure. As a parent, I wonder why my dad did not make a recording that chanted his mantra. It would have saved many a lecture.
While I certainly don't always embrace GA as a way of life, I have a still small voice in my heart that speaks (and sometimes screams) at me when my mind wanders to negative places. Keeping my heart out of negativity land is a challenge.
While I don't always master the art of GA, I have taught the term and goal to my girls. As they are much like their mom, sometimes we see their GA shine. Sometimes, well, we don't. Today was not one of those days. Matter of fact, today was one of those days where my kiddo taught ME about GA. When things were less than ideal in her swim world, she had a GREAT attitude. She was disappointed, complete with a purple devil emoji sent from the pool deck. But, in the midst of the challenge, she made a choice to have a GA. She made the best of the situation that she was dealt and camera in hand, chose to support her teammates and with a genuine smile on her face. She had a great GA day.
My dad has given me the foundation and belief that our attitude and outlook matter. My kids are living that out in front of my eyes. I'm thankful for both ends of the generational spectrum that teach me everyday how to live into the values that I hold dear.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Bye, Felicia
I am in the middle of a 6 day trip with my mom and youngest daughter. We are attending a swim meet in Florida, living in a hotel together and have many laughs. Of course, we are human, so there are times when our lack of sleep or ability to have the amenities of home have proved to be challenging. If you don't know my youngest, she is one of a kind. Spicy. Strong-willed. Hilarious. She hates taking showers, loves making messes and finds great joy in giving instructions. For these 6 days, she has 2 adults focused on her every need and let's just say that she is eating up every minute of this adventure.
My mom excels at grand-mothering. She has a plethora of gifts, but honestly watching her be a grandmother is one of my all-time most favoritist things in the whole wide world. She plays and loves and carries on (that's a southern term for all the right things.) She spoils and makes them laugh and is interested in their people and things. She is giving up 6 days to be sleep deprived, all with the goal of watching approximately 7.5 minutes of Ally racing. Seriously. When I grow up, I want to be just like Mimi. But named Jazzy or Sassy or Fab...I digress.
There was a cinematic classic that was popular in the mid '90s entitled, Friday. This work of genius contained an unforgettable scene that included an overlooked Oscar candidate, Ice Cube, his friend Smokey (Chris Tucker) and a character by the name of Felicia. For more than 20 years, those of us that profess loyalty to all things of this era have found great joy in the phrase, "Bye, Felicia."
My generation is now brilliantly raising our children to appreciate this term as a standard response to all those who are in our personal space, annoying a group dynamic or candidates for removal from a conversation. For instance, neighbors that that ask to borrow a car, not sugar. That's a Friday joke. If you don't get it, keep reading.
Back to Ally and Mimi. On this trip I am keeping a running tally of the number of times that Ally appropriately uses the term, "Bye, Felicia." She is quality, making me proud with a respectable, yet not overused, 2x a day average. She is well timed and spot on. All of this, from a child that has never seen the trashy, I mean classic, stoner buddy comedy. She knows only of the well-passed humor that her mother has brilliantly taught.
As we were playing Phase 10 tonight, a game ending move was made. Before any smack talk could ensue, Mimi in her best Ally impersonation exclaimed, "Shut up, Felicity!"
*insert Ally and I falling to the floor in laughter*
We could not contain the giggles. Mimi thought she had the line mastered after 2 days of observation, but Ally and I could not get over the err in word choice or the fact that she had not a CLUE what she was saying. Mimi was jumping right into the chaos of our silly jokes. This is just excellent grand-parenting. This is what all good parents should do. Matter of fact, I recommend it for all relationships that matter.
When you can take something that your loved ones find humorous or touching and join them on that path, no matter the 'correctness', you are winning. The look on Ally's face (and let's be honest, mine, too) was hilarious. We may just start saying "Shut up, Felicity" just for the guttural reaction. The fact that my mom would care enough to listen to our jokes and try to participate in them is priceless. She has transformed this one into something that now has much more meaning to all of us. Write these moments down. Tell stories about them. These are the classics that will forever be reminders of the ways that Mimi ran though generational and pop-culture barriers to connect with her adolescent grandchildren.
Well done, Mimi, well done.
P.S. I am sad to say that after showing her the "Bye, Felicia" clip, mom was not impressed.
My mom excels at grand-mothering. She has a plethora of gifts, but honestly watching her be a grandmother is one of my all-time most favoritist things in the whole wide world. She plays and loves and carries on (that's a southern term for all the right things.) She spoils and makes them laugh and is interested in their people and things. She is giving up 6 days to be sleep deprived, all with the goal of watching approximately 7.5 minutes of Ally racing. Seriously. When I grow up, I want to be just like Mimi. But named Jazzy or Sassy or Fab...I digress.
There was a cinematic classic that was popular in the mid '90s entitled, Friday. This work of genius contained an unforgettable scene that included an overlooked Oscar candidate, Ice Cube, his friend Smokey (Chris Tucker) and a character by the name of Felicia. For more than 20 years, those of us that profess loyalty to all things of this era have found great joy in the phrase, "Bye, Felicia."
My generation is now brilliantly raising our children to appreciate this term as a standard response to all those who are in our personal space, annoying a group dynamic or candidates for removal from a conversation. For instance, neighbors that that ask to borrow a car, not sugar. That's a Friday joke. If you don't get it, keep reading.
Back to Ally and Mimi. On this trip I am keeping a running tally of the number of times that Ally appropriately uses the term, "Bye, Felicia." She is quality, making me proud with a respectable, yet not overused, 2x a day average. She is well timed and spot on. All of this, from a child that has never seen the trashy, I mean classic, stoner buddy comedy. She knows only of the well-passed humor that her mother has brilliantly taught.
As we were playing Phase 10 tonight, a game ending move was made. Before any smack talk could ensue, Mimi in her best Ally impersonation exclaimed, "Shut up, Felicity!"
*insert Ally and I falling to the floor in laughter*
We could not contain the giggles. Mimi thought she had the line mastered after 2 days of observation, but Ally and I could not get over the err in word choice or the fact that she had not a CLUE what she was saying. Mimi was jumping right into the chaos of our silly jokes. This is just excellent grand-parenting. This is what all good parents should do. Matter of fact, I recommend it for all relationships that matter.
When you can take something that your loved ones find humorous or touching and join them on that path, no matter the 'correctness', you are winning. The look on Ally's face (and let's be honest, mine, too) was hilarious. We may just start saying "Shut up, Felicity" just for the guttural reaction. The fact that my mom would care enough to listen to our jokes and try to participate in them is priceless. She has transformed this one into something that now has much more meaning to all of us. Write these moments down. Tell stories about them. These are the classics that will forever be reminders of the ways that Mimi ran though generational and pop-culture barriers to connect with her adolescent grandchildren.
Well done, Mimi, well done.
P.S. I am sad to say that after showing her the "Bye, Felicia" clip, mom was not impressed.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
No, You are Not An Expert
I am continually amazed by the fact that despite a lack of education and experience, people feel that by reading an article on Facebook or a feed on Instagram, they are highly educated on a subject. I spent the day watching parents of high level young athletes impart their wisdom and knowledge about the sport of swimming. Sure, some of the parents in the stands have been competitive swimmers, but my guess is that most are like me. We have gained our knowledge from sweating through meets, watching other parents and listening at practice. I have absolutely nothing in the experience realm to offer my swimmer. What I can do is be present.
That goes for all of us in all of life's experiences. We are going to have situations that are unfamiliar. We are going to be introduced to new concepts and ideas. Our job is to be life learners, not instant experts. Tonight I will offer a Top 10 List. The title is '10 Ways to be UNfriended in Life'. To me, building any relationship is hard, but to build a friendship with your parents, your spouse, your children and your siblings, you must do hard work. Everyday. These relationships take time and effort and it's our job to do it! So, if you find yourself in a challenging friendship, consider if any of these things are playing into your conflict:
10. Always come from a place of judgement.
9. Assume that you have the answers and can help.
8. Jump into every conflict with a solution.
7. Listen to one side of the story and believe that you have all of the information.
6. Walk into every conversation with a pre-set mind.
5. Assume that they want to hear what you have to say.
4. Never share your own personal experience with the subject.
3. Try to fix everything your friend is doing.
2. Give advice.
1. Never ask any questions.
That goes for all of us in all of life's experiences. We are going to have situations that are unfamiliar. We are going to be introduced to new concepts and ideas. Our job is to be life learners, not instant experts. Tonight I will offer a Top 10 List. The title is '10 Ways to be UNfriended in Life'. To me, building any relationship is hard, but to build a friendship with your parents, your spouse, your children and your siblings, you must do hard work. Everyday. These relationships take time and effort and it's our job to do it! So, if you find yourself in a challenging friendship, consider if any of these things are playing into your conflict:
10. Always come from a place of judgement.
9. Assume that you have the answers and can help.
8. Jump into every conflict with a solution.
7. Listen to one side of the story and believe that you have all of the information.
6. Walk into every conversation with a pre-set mind.
5. Assume that they want to hear what you have to say.
4. Never share your own personal experience with the subject.
3. Try to fix everything your friend is doing.
2. Give advice.
1. Never ask any questions.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
The Cost of Year Round Sports
Just the title of this post is causing some of you to twitch. The thought of spending your time, money and weekends chasing a kid around the state and beyond is your worst nightmare. Trust me, there are mornings that I would like to turn off my alarm, but we can talk about that in another post. Today, I want you know about what being a swim mom has cost our family.
Having our daughter on a year-round swim team has cost us our ability to be helicopter parents. I have seen first hand that sports, in and of themselves, do not provide this but for our family, challenging our child to speak to her coaches, listen to advice and make her own decisions about training has cost us our ability to hover. Sure, there are times that we have to step in an advocate or teach, but by giving her the ability to set her own goals and drive her passion, we are stepping out of the micromanagement role.
The practice schedule that year-round sports requires has cost us our procrastination. It doesn't work to put off homework and laundry when you have practice looming. You can't wait until the weekend to finish a project when the weekend includes two full days at a swim meet. Time management, self control(ish) and maturing decision making have transformed my kid into a growing teen.
Sure the financial cost of year round sports is not insignificant, but by giving our daughter this avenue to dream, we have been forced to prioritize our finances. This has cost us other areas of our life, but not once have I regretted it. If a vacation doesn't happen or a new toy is not purchased or a house upgrade is not made, I don't care. The sacrifices we make in allowing our girls the resources for their activities is our priority in this season. One will be out of our house in 3 years and the other in 6. There is nothing that I want to do that can't wait until then. One more note, we don't see year round sports as our college savings plan. All of the statistical data shows that the likelihood of our of our 11 year-old continuing to pursue this sport to the level required for college scholarships is slim. If she wants to, that is great. In the meantime, we will still be saving for college so she can be a physical therapist or teacher or engineer without thinking twice of the pressure to swim.
These are just three of the many things that being committed to pursing a passion has given our family. Sure, some of the costs are more taxing, and I am the FIRST to tell you it is not for everyone (for example my oldest). I certainly caution anyone from naively thinking that this is an easy way to get out of junior high PE. However, if you have a kid like mine, who is self driven and has a passion for work, it can be a blessing. And even after comparing the pros and cons, I would do it all over again.
Having our daughter on a year-round swim team has cost us our ability to be helicopter parents. I have seen first hand that sports, in and of themselves, do not provide this but for our family, challenging our child to speak to her coaches, listen to advice and make her own decisions about training has cost us our ability to hover. Sure, there are times that we have to step in an advocate or teach, but by giving her the ability to set her own goals and drive her passion, we are stepping out of the micromanagement role.
The practice schedule that year-round sports requires has cost us our procrastination. It doesn't work to put off homework and laundry when you have practice looming. You can't wait until the weekend to finish a project when the weekend includes two full days at a swim meet. Time management, self control(ish) and maturing decision making have transformed my kid into a growing teen.
Sure the financial cost of year round sports is not insignificant, but by giving our daughter this avenue to dream, we have been forced to prioritize our finances. This has cost us other areas of our life, but not once have I regretted it. If a vacation doesn't happen or a new toy is not purchased or a house upgrade is not made, I don't care. The sacrifices we make in allowing our girls the resources for their activities is our priority in this season. One will be out of our house in 3 years and the other in 6. There is nothing that I want to do that can't wait until then. One more note, we don't see year round sports as our college savings plan. All of the statistical data shows that the likelihood of our of our 11 year-old continuing to pursue this sport to the level required for college scholarships is slim. If she wants to, that is great. In the meantime, we will still be saving for college so she can be a physical therapist or teacher or engineer without thinking twice of the pressure to swim.
These are just three of the many things that being committed to pursing a passion has given our family. Sure, some of the costs are more taxing, and I am the FIRST to tell you it is not for everyone (for example my oldest). I certainly caution anyone from naively thinking that this is an easy way to get out of junior high PE. However, if you have a kid like mine, who is self driven and has a passion for work, it can be a blessing. And even after comparing the pros and cons, I would do it all over again.
Monday, April 3, 2017
One Shining Moment
In my household, we are slightly competitive. There is no need for athletic ability to have a fierce competitive streak. I am living proof of this. I can go for blood in everything from Nerts to the ABC game on a road trip. I take winning very seriously.
For 20 years, Lucas and I have filled out our March Madness brackets with intensity. I know that a 5/12 matchup is dangerous. I know that Duke will let me down, and yet I still pick them. It doesn't matter if my beloved Baylor is in the tournament, in the name of a bracket will, I will forsake all green and gold loyalty. I just hate to lose.
When we were newly married, We would bet for bragging rights because there was not prize money available. When the kids were little, we bet middle of the night duty. There was a season that included a month of your chore of choice duty. These last few years have been a bit more challenging. What does it take to get us fired up after all of these years?
Well, this year the bet was for pride. The winner gets to pick the locale of our next couple's getaway. This is my turf. I am the vacation planner. It is my JOB in this family to plan all trips. If you don't know this about us, let me assure you that we would not choose the same vacation destination. Ever. I want to explore a city. Lucas wants to ride the best mountain bike trails in the country. I want to eat a new fancy restaurant, Lucas wants to avoid wearing long pants at all cost.
So, the game is over. The brackets are complete. The winner has been declared. And "One Shining Moment" is about to play. Another year of trash talk has been completed. I love this song every year, and I watch with the dork tears that only a sports fan can appreciate. The most amazing shots will be remembered. The thrill of the Cinderella will be celebrated. And I will watch through the lens of my heart.
But the real question is, who has bragging rights? I know you all want to know. Who will be listed as the Hilbrich Household Champion for 2017? I tip my hat and ask, Lucas, where are we headed?
For 20 years, Lucas and I have filled out our March Madness brackets with intensity. I know that a 5/12 matchup is dangerous. I know that Duke will let me down, and yet I still pick them. It doesn't matter if my beloved Baylor is in the tournament, in the name of a bracket will, I will forsake all green and gold loyalty. I just hate to lose.
When we were newly married, We would bet for bragging rights because there was not prize money available. When the kids were little, we bet middle of the night duty. There was a season that included a month of your chore of choice duty. These last few years have been a bit more challenging. What does it take to get us fired up after all of these years?
Well, this year the bet was for pride. The winner gets to pick the locale of our next couple's getaway. This is my turf. I am the vacation planner. It is my JOB in this family to plan all trips. If you don't know this about us, let me assure you that we would not choose the same vacation destination. Ever. I want to explore a city. Lucas wants to ride the best mountain bike trails in the country. I want to eat a new fancy restaurant, Lucas wants to avoid wearing long pants at all cost.
So, the game is over. The brackets are complete. The winner has been declared. And "One Shining Moment" is about to play. Another year of trash talk has been completed. I love this song every year, and I watch with the dork tears that only a sports fan can appreciate. The most amazing shots will be remembered. The thrill of the Cinderella will be celebrated. And I will watch through the lens of my heart.
But the real question is, who has bragging rights? I know you all want to know. Who will be listed as the Hilbrich Household Champion for 2017? I tip my hat and ask, Lucas, where are we headed?
Sunday, April 2, 2017
3,653 Days
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Since my first sobriety birthday, I have asked someone who has played a special part in the previous year to go with me to pick up my birthday chip. Of course, the list is far from exhaustive, as the numerous faces that have made my journey all that it is today cannot be represented in 10 coins. More than anything, I have tried to choose people who have said or done things that in that year directly reassured me that I was enough.
As I was preparing for my 10th birthday, it seemed heavy. Somehow a decade of sobriety brought on feelings of weight in the best way possible. As I reflected on who I wanted to take this year, there was one name that just kept coming to my mind. It somehow seemed like a full circle moment, as AJ and I have come to a place where we honestly talk about all things recovery. She knows my story. For the parts that she does not remember, she now is of an age where we openly talk about what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.
So tonight, AJ drove me to my birthday meeting. As we walked in the club she reminded me of what it was like to come here when she was 5 and scared of the babysitting room. As we sat in the room before the meeting, she read the signs on the walls and realized where the language that I use in everyday life is learned. She had never been to a meeting, and I was so thankful that tonight's book study focused in the 4th step, which is making a "searching and fearless moral inventory." Somehow it just seemed so right for her to hear about something that was so hard for her mom, but that without a doubt has saved her life and sanity time and time and time again.
One tradition that I love at this particular meeting is that as we close we each take a moment to express something that we are grateful for. As we went around the table, I leaned over to her and said, you don't have to speak if you don't want to. She did. And the joy and relief and gratitude that I experienced in that moment was wrapped up with 10 years of a life changing hard work.
And then we made it to birthday chips. It was a gift that one of my long time heroes handed me my chip tonight. I love that she knew me from day one and reminded me of the journey. As she tells the story, I was folded up like an envelope in my chair when she met me. The fear gremlins were in full effect and yet her kindness and encouragement has not changed one bit from that first meeting. She has been a witness to the transformation, and as I look back, so have I.
The chip that I picked up tonight is depicted in the picture at the top of this post. My amazing SIL created a personalized card for me this year with the chip on the front. As I reflect on the journey, I am beyond thankful for those that have been there with me. Some from day 1 and some that have come into my life since then. For all those who have helped my envelope like legs fold to touch the floor and have encouraged me to keep growing and have offered support in ways that I didn't know to ask for, "thank you" is wildly insufficient.
I'll leave you with the image of AJ and I walking to the car after the meeting. As she walked, she grabbed my arm and said, "Mom, I am so proud of you." Drop the mic.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Part 7: Why I Still Have a Place at the Table
A beautiful thing happened in the midst of me getting sober. Do you remember the church, Ecclesia, that I told you about a few days ago? In late 2006 they began the process of planting satellite communities in the greater Houston suburbs. The small group of Jesus followers that helped hold the light for me in this season became leaders and visionaries for a group that eventually became Ecclesia - Clear Lake.
In September of 2007, we launched a weekly worship gathering on Sunday nights. We were a nomadic group that was blessed with a home in other church buildings to meet together once a week. The hard work of this new church was being done as people around the Bay Area were seeing needs that were not being met and they were determined to bring light to dark places. I was fully invested in my recovery by this point, and I knew exactly where I was supposed to give my life away.
You see, I love the Church. I believe in the Church, but many of my people, my tribe of like minded broken hearted people, have been hurt by the church. They have been told they don’t fit. They feel unworthy and unqualified. They have been given the message that they don’t have what it takes to be included.
In September of 2007, we launched a weekly worship gathering on Sunday nights. We were a nomadic group that was blessed with a home in other church buildings to meet together once a week. The hard work of this new church was being done as people around the Bay Area were seeing needs that were not being met and they were determined to bring light to dark places. I was fully invested in my recovery by this point, and I knew exactly where I was supposed to give my life away.
You see, I love the Church. I believe in the Church, but many of my people, my tribe of like minded broken hearted people, have been hurt by the church. They have been told they don’t fit. They feel unworthy and unqualified. They have been given the message that they don’t have what it takes to be included.
So, I have committed my calling to being their voice in my church. My messy, open, bold, crass talking, honesty wielding, people loving voice. I have taken up my cross to lay on swords for my tribe. To preach about things like wholeness and authenticity and mental health and addiction. To be open about how God is still using my messy wild life to bring hope to this world.
About a year ago, a friend from our early church days posted this on my Facebook wall:
So today marks the anniversary of our becoming "Facebook Friends" back in 2009.... I am reminded of this crazy chick I met at a church that wore a faux tattoo sleeve shirt to make the new guy feel at home... I am glad you were you...
I was the Jesus loving, coffee drinking, cigar smoking tattooed pastor that he needed. Our church was the open door of grace that took him from the life of a patched-in motorcycle gang member to the foot of the cross.
Not only did I have a calling, I had a place. A place that still wanted me around in the midst of my messy life. A place that time and time and time again told me in words and actions that I am not only accepted but I am a vital leader BECAUSE my life tells a story of truthfulness. I'm sure there are some times that I make people a bit nervous with my stories. I'm sure that some people walk in on Sunday mornings (advanced warning, this will be the case tomorrow), realize that I have on the Britney Spears headset and they just hold onto their seats. Because, you never know what I might decide to share.
One of my favorite stories of ECL - and there are so many - is the fact that we now own and have our Sunday services in the building that once housed the Bay Area Club in League City. The BAC (in its new location) is where I went to for my first meeting of AA. That is what I like to call a full circle redemption story.
Here is the bottom line. I have found a church who fully believes in the mission of "journeying together in God’s ongoing rescue of the oppressed." They live this mission in their service and study and community and by embracing all of the things that aren't very churchy about humanity. My friends, THIS is why I still love the Church. I believe that the world needs more of us to throw off the things that we think make us look churchy and get down to being the Church. And I think that will preach for a long time to come.
One of my favorite stories of ECL - and there are so many - is the fact that we now own and have our Sunday services in the building that once housed the Bay Area Club in League City. The BAC (in its new location) is where I went to for my first meeting of AA. That is what I like to call a full circle redemption story.
Here is the bottom line. I have found a church who fully believes in the mission of "journeying together in God’s ongoing rescue of the oppressed." They live this mission in their service and study and community and by embracing all of the things that aren't very churchy about humanity. My friends, THIS is why I still love the Church. I believe that the world needs more of us to throw off the things that we think make us look churchy and get down to being the Church. And I think that will preach for a long time to come.
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