The last time I was in San Francisco, I was pregnant with my first child. I was a youth pastor with the great wisdom of a 25 year old. I had a very beautiful flip phone, and the iPhone did not exist. Fast forward 15 years and I have two technology savvy teens and a small computer in my pocket.
Enter modern parenting challenge #4822:
How do I give my child freedom, teach them responsibility and at the same time monitor their digital footprint?
I know I screw this up. I guarantee that I am doing it wrong. For all the things that I am trying to do right, I still have much to learn in this arena. Getting on a plane and flying across the country has given me another opportunity to examine the tech phenomenon facing our kids.
I came to California with my parents in 1988. When we left Houston, my only ability to communicate with friends for the next two weeks came by way of hotel stationary and postcards. My girls, on the other hand, have had instant access to friends, gossip and news from home this entire trip. Don't get me wrong, I get it. I do, too, and I love it. But the challenge to monitor their input has been in my face this week and I am reminded that we cannot let down our guard.
If you don't know what is happening on your kid's phones, something is wrong. Its just that black and white. If your child is in middle school and you cannot access all of their input and output, I would encourage you to reconsider why they have a phone. We gave our kids a phone for convenience, safety and ease of communication with us. We did not give our kids phones to aid in group think, to lower their self esteem or to allow them to speak "anonymously," or to further gossip.
We have removed our kids from group messages because the result of 15+ girls on a group text (intended or not) usually involves someone in that group with a wounded spirit. We have read and had many a conversation about tone in typing vs intended intent when it comes to the written word. I find these teaching moments to be especially vital in middle school. My kids were not ready for the freedom of Snap Chat in 6th grade. Cute filters or not, the implied temporary nature of the tool has produced a false since of freedom. In my experience, the damage of even a quick thought or image is lost on maturing brains.
My kids know that I have the ability to pick up their phones and read anything at any moment. My fingerprint opens their phone or it is no longer their phone. I know many other parents that follow this standard. Because of this, good kids are moving almost all of their communication to apps like Snap Chat that do not retain a record of communication. What was a gossip and mean girl problem in 7th grade becomes a topless picture problem in 10th. Because I am an in your face, constantly discussing all things that embarrass my kids kind of mom, these are normal everyday topics of conversation.
A week away has given me time to see what is coming over my kids phones. It has called me to discuss appropriate story topics. It has given me the chance to see the DMs that have been sent. I have GREAT kids. They have great friends. And we all still have work to do in this area.
I complain when my kids don't text their aunt or grandfather back. I expect them to have Find My iPhone on at all times for me to locate them. Technology is great. Technology is also a tool by which our kids will fail if we don't help them.
A few things to think about:
If you don't know what a streak, a DM or a filter are, it's time to have a talk with your teen.
If your kids are using an app or playing a game that you don't understand, learn it. If you don't like what you learn, delete it.
If you do not have access to your kid's phone, iPad or computer, why not? Handwritten diaries are for private thoughts, technology is not the place for things that are not to be shared.
If you see other kids involved in destructive behavior, what agreements do you have with their parents? This is so tricky, but we can't catch everything and we need our co-moms and co-dads to help.
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