I'm a Quitter

Today I read a blog post by Sarah Bessey that blew my socks off. You need to know that one of Sarah's descriptions of herself is, "Practitioner of Resurrection." LOVE THIS. But first, you must read it.

quit-drinking

I need to thank her for her honesty and compassion and courage to tackle a topic that is tough. As a woman in recovery, I resonate and hear myself in many of her thoughts. But many are very different. My journey to sobriety did not come in a decision. It came in a crashing storm that forced me to change or lose it all. More than the reasons, we share a lifestyle without alcohol. I am taken by the elephant in the church room that she has bravely addressed. This was the paragraph that I had to read three times...through some tears.

"I also began to notice how the church had begun to embrace drinking as well. Others of my generation who had also grown up in legalism regarding or abstention from alcohol perhaps, and so were exploring their emancipation with micro-brews and homemade wine over thick theology books and bible studies and hymn-sings. Then I began to wonder about stumbling blocks and I couldn’t seem to shake off early church admonitions to consider one another, to give preference to one another’s weaknesses. Were we setting someone else up? Were we judging the ones who abstain as legalists?"

This is a sensitive (and personal) topic, so I need some grace, ok? Hear my heart...

Were we setting someone else up?
Everything is permissible. I know this to be scriptural and true. I also wholeheartedly believe that the pictures we post on social media, the drinks we serve and the places that we choose to drink matter. What you may not know about the disease of alcoholism is that it never goes away. I am in remission. But I have the cells of this disease in my body and given the environment or mindset or failure to maintain my fit spiritual condition, it will rear its ugly head.

As someone who believes in the church. I pray that the church can hear these next few sentences with the cries of desperation that I possess. Please watch your audience. You will never know how the presence of alcohol at your small group party or your wine tasting at the Sunday school progressive dinner or even the beer brewing fundraiser for a great cause impacts your friends, children, family and pastor. There are many social events that I decline attending because I know that alcohol is primary. One of the first things I was taught in recovery was that I had to change my play people, play places and play things. I may choose, even after some days of sobriety, not to place myself at the restaurant table where everyone is drinking. I may choose not to go to a concert or dinner party or even a wedding if I know that I will spend the entire time looking at what's in your glass and wishing that it was in mine. But declining these events are MY CHOICE because I know what I am walking into.

When it comes to the church, it breaks my heart to know that someone would have to choose not to come for fear of the presence of alcohol. Even more heartbreaking, when a recovering alcoholic gathers the nerve to attend a church social event and is blindsided to find that everyone is enjoying the wine that the group member brought back from Napa or the beer they just tapped.

Venturing into social settings in sobriety is scary as hell. I am so fortunate that my husband gave me a gift on day 1 that I would never be sober alone. The only time he has had a drink in 10 years is when he was 6 states away on a fishing trip with my dad. He's just a wild guy, I know. If you see us at an event with a bar, he will be the one in line to get me my Coke. If there is a glorious desert spread, he tastes everything first and gives me the secret sign that I'm all clear. These are just a few of the many ways that my social life is different on this side of putting down alcohol.

I would never want anyone to think that I would prefer you not drink. I'm totally in awe of those of you who can drink one or two and stop. That was not my experience.  I pray that you can enjoy the freedom that God has given each of us to fully live into the things that you love and bring you life. I just want you to know that when you venture into a activity that brings so much pain and shame and hurt for some, your time and place and story sharing matter.

Were we judging the ones who abstain as legalists?

The second question Sarah asked really struck a nerve. Here's why. I have been sober long enough that many people in my life today have never seen me drink. As I make new friends and engange in social settings, they quickly realize that I don't drink, but they have no idea why. I don't wear a RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC warning button. But I do easily share that I am an elder and pastor. Do the math. The logical leap in my southern Bible-belt world is assume that I don't drink because I believe it is wrong.

It's cool to be part of a forward thinking church that is not tied down to shaming ideas and rules. I love the fact that we are constantly working to take down walls that divide, including systems that have taught shame based life correction. But I'm still a church lady. We are engaged in giving our life away 24/7. My kids are continually balancing sports and school with the priority that we place on church involvement. I have the stigma. Most people are more comfortable with this idea of me than they are the one where I hid booze in my house and mixed it with pills. But in my post modern skinny jean loving world, the legalist Christian and the drunk are both super unpopular.

My main motivation for finding the middle ground on this is my teenagers. I have never hidden my addiction from my kids. They knew that mom had a problem. They also know that mom still works a program to be whole. We talk openly about the genetic component and the warning signs. Helping them understand alcohol from my personal experience is the easy part. What I find more challenging is helping them understand how not to be afraid of alcohol. We certainly don't shelter our kids. We go to concerts and Mardi Gras and family functions. They see people drink, but to this day, neither of my kids want to see people that they love under the influence. Learning to articulate and live in a world where the pendulum is constantly moving is hard. I know this may not last, but TODAY, both of them are furious when they hear of alcohol related horror stories because they have lived one.

Let me close with this. We each have things that we struggle with. We cannot remove every obstacle for every person in every situation. But what would happen if you began asking the people in your church or family how you could better love them with your actions? Maybe you don't even have to ask. You know something they struggle with and there is an easy step that you can take to be a safe space for them. Let today be the day that we make the first step.